August Short Shots

"Minneapolis has Become Recruiting Ground for Muslim Extremists" - CBS Evening News

What insidious motivator could be driving this trend every year?  Hmm...

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"Second American Confirmed Killed Fighting for ISIS in Syria" - Daily Mail (UK)

Cheering for every American ISIS foot soldier killed in Syria/Iraq.
Think about it.

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Shaken, Not Stirred

Kudos to the vintner folk.  Despite a sizable quake on the order of 6.1 and around 90 aftershocks thus far, the region above San Francisco seems to be a no-whining-zone (I couldn't resist) and is showing admirable resilience.

“At this time, it appears the majority of the damage was centered on specific areas in the city of Napa.  The regions around Yountville, St. Helena and Calistoga seem to have experienced minimal damage and disruption.  For travelers coming to the Napa Valley, most businesses are open as usual...” -- Clay Gregory, president and CEO of Visit Napa Valley

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I don't know about you, but I have heard about all I can take on Ferguson, MO.   

Here’s a suggestion:  How about we send the Ferguson police with all their fancy military capability on a tour of Iraq to help fight ISIS for a bit (don’t worry, we’ll airlift donuts in on a regular basis).  At the same time we set up a triage and bring over Ebola victims to treat in the streets of Ferguson, so the residents and other agitators there can gain some perspective, or, at the very least, stop firebombing their town.

Then convince Kim Kardashian to marry, or divorce, or do the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge in a yoga outfit so the mainstream media have something new and important to focus on.

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Botox for the Tour de France

(A Little Poison Artfully Applied…)

Yes, cycling fans, the Tour de France has grown long in the tooth for the average sports watcher, but fortunately the ASO has found the dramatic formula for pulling it back to its former World Cup-like prominence ==> Crashes.

Taking a page out of NASCAR where, let’s face it, 43 virtually identical cars turning left in a circle for 200 laps would ordinarily be as exciting as full coverage of a six hour flat stage with Phil Liggett, ASO officials saw the light in the form of 15 and 25-car crash highlights blazoned across the American networks.  What’s not to like?  Mass appeal, a target 18-35 year-old male audience, and strong commercial support with a low bar for necessary creativity.  In the NASCAR world, Bubba’s from all across the U.S. tune in each week, beer in hand, to experience the drone action with the increasingly strong chance that something truly savage and cringe-worthy might happen in between the endless debates as to whether Fords or Chevys “rule.”  All it requires is just a little more sacrifice and open-mindedness on the part of these well-paid athletes to accept the new format.

But how to achieve this without appearing to be “too Burnsian” in their calculations? 

 

Well first, disavow outright that this is the plan.  After every crash have your parrots repeat the phrase, “Clearly no one ever wants to see something like this in the Tour de France,” and end with “How unfortunate.”  Then promptly add this to the reel of crash highlights played incessantly for the next few years and every third commercial break. 

That takes care of the audience, but what about the players and coaches?  To get them to step up, as it were, couch these additions in terms of expanding the sport naturally, or looking for the more well-rounded rider, and lean on history (“segments like these have always been a part of the sport, it used to be much worse…”).  Dismiss outright the notions of races being determined by tire blow-outs and other riders crashing in front of GC contenders as “it just not being their year.”  Finally, rally select like-minded aging (former) riders to extol the virtues of stages that separate the hard men from the rest, then the carnage merely becomes “decanting” and any man who deigns to object clearly lacks the necessary qualities to be a true Tour champ.

Ultimately this spectacle must be parlayed into a tried-n-true revenue stream using the winning formula:  Institute the magic TV ratio of four minutes of cycling action to six minutes of commercials.  This way those remaining saps who don’t record or time delay the Tour have self-selected for gullibility and will easily be influenced to buy another $1500 TDF Training Bike and switch insurance companies once again.

(One need only count to seven to buy this must-have device)

If only ASO could control the rain….